Stepping Stones

I must be feeling some type of way. It's so hard to explain how I feel to anyone, because when they say they "understand", they don't. No one will ever understand me and how I feel about things. Now that I have started my four year college journey, it's been a crazy three months so far. I don't even know where to begin. From overly falling in love with my school, to fighting for something you want more than anything, to getting admitted into the hospital. Once again after the fight, I still feel like I lost. Lost to everything. I don't know maybe its just the way I'm feeling or maybe I'm overanalyzing too much. Regardless being out of school for a week just creates a setback for everything. I feel so behind in school that I don't even want to catch up anymore, YET I fought so hard to continue my education at San Diego State. All these thoughts that are streaming in my head just increases my headache. From being stressed and miserable to getting diagnosed with vertigo, and not even knowing what the hell that is, makes me realize that I really have to start thinking what's best for myself. Are my decisions really good for me? Are my decisions affecting my health? I don't know. I don't even know what to say anymore...I'm just typing because I have so much to say so many questions interfering in my head...and the only way I can "let it out" per-say is to type...yet I'm not saying what I really want to say. I am still holding back something that I can't even process.
Let me just start from the beginning:
Have you ever fought for something so hard that at that moment you're willing to do anything to get it? As much as I hate school, I actually love it in some type of way. To be in college is a blessing and I also thing it is privilege to go, especially if you feel you worked so hard in high school. Well Im at the point in my life where I feel like my hard work hasn't gone anywhere but square me up in a corner. A suffocating corner. To struggle for something you want is already intense, but to struggle to get you education is just not okay, especially if that person wants to be educated. Ugh. this is all just a blur.
 Basically The month of October is a Stepping Stone. A stepping stone that I've been stepping on all month, but never found a stone to save me from. Sitting here writing this just makes me question whether I am happy, overall as a person. That's something I going to have to find the answer to myself. And even though it makes sense to have a definite answer right now, thats honestly not the case. I'm in a position where I don't know what I am, who I am, and what I want.  But see that's the best apart about developing into yourself. You go through winded hills and endure many mistakes, pain, and the receive the yes's and the no's that at the end of the day you come to closure with yourself as a stronger individual.